When Will It Break?

I have yet to cry this week. I know it will happen. It is building. The events of this past week are gallons of water pushing up against a weak, cracked, and crumbling dam. There is a leak because one tear has been shed but quickly suppressed to not allow the surplus to breach my ever so fragile walls. It will happen though, I know it will. But when?

The events started more than a week ago while enjoying a getaway with Indie and some friends to a beautiful cabin in Heber, Utah. The night was going great until, in my loopy state, started an argument with Indie that has been a concern with me for quite a while but not one that I wanted to bring up in the state I was in or on our little getaway. It blew up to be the biggest fight we have ever had, saying the worst things I have ever said, and being awake arguing till five in the morning. Things were not settled and I left bright in early the next morning, without Indie.

I had the whole day with a headache to think about what happened. I regretted how things went down and what mean things were said, but not the subject entirely. It was a concern and he had to know about it eventually.

I was surprised to get a call from him later that night. I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him for a day or two. We eventually met up, talked for an hour or so and resolved our problems. The whole time thinking how grateful I am to have a boyfriend who is able to bring down the "pride walls" and communicate. The men in my life never have done that. They suppress their feelings and "don't want to talk about it." It is refreshing to know how my loved one is feeling and the ability to better understand each other and even though it may seem so unimportant, it to me is another way he shows his love for me. He wants to work out whatever problems we may come across to ensure that we stay together. I fell in love with him a little bit more that night.

Forgive and forget, and that's what we did. The week continued on after that night normal between us. Actually, we may be a stronger couple because of it.

The most exasperating hurtle of this week however, is the news of Indie being told by his best friend/owner of the home he is living in, that they are being evicted and have five days to leave the home. Why? His best friend/home owner has not been paying the mortgage for the past eight months therefore having the house be foreclosed on. What the hell has he been doing with Indie's rent payment each month? We still don't really know. But for three days, he was pissed and refused to speak to his friend.

We were forced into freak out mode. Indie has ample amount of furniture that could not all be moved in five days and even more, where would we move it to? We were put in a predicament that caused my body to physically shut down after the first day. Mentally and physically I was exhausted within twenty four hours, because Indie had to work which meant I had to be doing all the research for a new place, storage units, packing, etc. Also, while all this is going on, we are throwing around the idea of moving in together. I have never been so mentally worn out in my life.

After two or three days, calling numerous people, looking at hundreds of Craigslist ads, calling attorneys, and getting as much information as we could, we settled down and realized we had more than five days. We are in the clear to be in the house before they lock it up for about another two weeks. Praise Mecca.

But where does that leave him to live, or is it going to be us? Am I looking for his place or our place? Am I even ready to be talking about this? Have we been dating long enough? We just had a huge fight this week. Are we as a couple ready? We say we are going to talk about it, but we postpone it by busying ourselves with getting everything as ready as we can for the move.

However, that didn't last long. His roommate was out for the night. It was me and him watching a movie while we wrapped dishes in newspaper and talked. With about five seconds of silence, I took the opportunity and asked, "So, what are your thoughts on us moving in together?"

Without hesitation, "I think it's a great idea."

What? Indie really just said that? Mr. I-love-my-freedom-and-having-a-lot-of-time-to-myself just said he wanted me to move in with him? I was shocked but smiled and laughed out loud. He gave a nervous burst of laughter and a "And...you...?"

"I think it's a great idea, too!"

What the hell just happened? We established we both wanted to move in together. I never thought the day would come this year. Okay, collect your thoughts. Be rational. "We still have to talk about this more in depth and if it is realistic and logical," I say. I have been doing some research on the Internet to know what questions to ask, what needs to be talked about first, etc. and so the questions began.

After getting through the nitty-gritty, we still decided moving in would be great for us right now. Ah! I couldn't be more scared and happy at the same time.

Two days ago, we found a house...in American Fork. That means we will be living in Utah Freaking County. Ew. But the house is nice and has great potential for two gay boys to make a beautiful home. Our home. I can't wait. We are planning to move in either the weekend of June 6th or the end of June depending on if the currant tenant pays this months and next months rent, which is unlikely. So June 6th is the most likely. That gives us two weeks. That gives me two weeks to stress. Two weeks until I move in with my boyfriend. Oh the stress!

Surprisingly my mom took the news pretty well. The first night we talked about moving out, she said she supported it. I went to Indie later that night not knowing if my mom knew that we were moving in together, due to her reaction. The next day, I made it extra clear that we were moving in together and still, the same reaction. Wow, my mom was fine with me moving in with Indie. I never thought the day would come. I'm going to miss her so much and I know that will be the hardest part about moving. Knowing that she isn't just ten minutes away and that the house I've lived in for 20 years will no longer be my "home, home". Wow.

I can do this. It is the right thing to do at the right time. I can do it. I'm so thankful I'll have Indie to hold my hand all throughout the process.

Because of Memorial Day weekend, I experience my third scrutiny of how stable my dam really is. This actually may be the most difficult one I experienced. The one to force a tear to run down my cheek.

This past Saturday, I was suppose to leave for Idaho. I hate Idaho. But I was willing to go because Indie's family was all together and Indie wanted to introduce me to them all. Indie called them and told him he and I were planning on coming up Saturday to Monday and they said that was fine. Unfortunately, we got busy Saturday night with packing and decided we would leave early Sunday morning. Until he got a call from his dad.

Indie's Dad: I just wanted to call you and let you know if you bring up Tyler, your sisters will not be around.

Indie: Excuse me?

Indie's Dad: I'm sorry, but that's just how it will be.

Indie: "click"

He tried to call his sisters, left them voicemails asking what this was all about and then shut down. He was shocked. Heartbroken. Angry. Hurt. And I don't blame him.

I would assume that they would have voted "YES" on Proposition 8 under the belief to "save the family." It's bull shit and that's how I feel about most of the people who voted "YES" on Proposition 8.

I tried my best to help him as I was secretly struggling with my own pain. "If you bring up Tyler, your sisters will not be around." It played over and over in my head along with bringing back the feelings of my first boyfriends family. "I hope he would die," they would say about me. "He ruined our family." These and thousands of other thoughts ran through my head until two in the morning until I finally was able to doze off.

It wasn't me, it was them. I had to keep on telling myself. I also had to keep those feelings in. Don't make it about you, I said to myself. Indie is hurting so much more than you and he needs you to be strong. There is not time to pity myself and I didn't.

I am sad I don't get to meet his family. I have heard so much about them and wanted to finally get the chance to get to know how great they are. If the chance comes up again, without a doubt I will go, but for Indie, I will have to convince him. He doesn't want to see them nor thinks that they deserve to meet me. But I want to. Someday.

So as the dam is struggling, it still stands. My eyes have watered up as I have typed some of this, but it isn't time to let it out. I don't know why but soon, I know it will happen.

Until then, I am growing to love a family I don't even know. A family who hates me or the idea of me. A family who wants nothing to do with me, I am growing to love. The stories have brought me to love them. Loving Indie has brought me to love them. As strange as it sounds, it's true. It's all I can do.

Mo-hab

Indie and I took our first little get away this past weekend down to Moab, UT. Indie had never been to Moab, one of the most beautiful places on earth and I couldn't believe it. From the moment I heard that he had never been, I set it as a goal to drag him there if I had to this summer.

Thankfully he went willingly. Actually it was his idear to go this past Saturday on a whim. We were kind of sick of everyone, ready to get out, so we packed up and within an hour and a half, we were on our way.

Viorar Vel Til Loftarasa

A Question

I was asked if I wanted to move yesterday. Not particularly now, but in November.

To San Francisco.

What A Week

My weeks are usually pretty exciting with fun filled adventures filling in the gaps from work to sleep, but this week was something else. Starting out with two explosive fights with my Mom and Step-dad, to a broken down car, to being punched in the face, to being told I cannot be hired at Picture Perfect Pool due to the fact it came to his attention by a certain someone, I was fired 2 summers ago. Stupid bull shit.

Nonetheless it was a great week. Indie and I hit the four month mark. He is the second longest person I have ever dated. That is the same for him which totally freaks me out, in a good way. I really do mean a lot to him, obviously, if he is still sticking with me and has no intentions of ever breaking up.

Sunday, which was the four month mark, was one of the best days I have ever spent with him. We were able to sleep in together which only means one of the best things ever, waking up to each other. It set the day out to be perfect. We eventually got out of bed to go meet up with friends at brunch at Market Street Grill, which was absolutely delicious. After that, we went back to his place and hung out and talked...about marriage. I discussed what I wanted in my wedding, he discussed what he wanted in our wedding. He couldn't have put a bigger smile on my face. Obviously he wasn't talking about a wedding in the next couple of months, not even six or seven or eight months, but sometime in our future. The sight of each other in tuxes, what flowers, what kind of reception, etc. were all discussed. I do have to admit, it would be a hella fun wedding.

We ended the night with our two good friends dance concert and then dinner and then his place to finish up his bedding. It was so simple but both of us couldn't get enough of each other that day. We are in love and couldn't be happier with anyone else.

To being punched this week, thank you for all your texts and comments to see how I was. I wrote a thank you letter to Area 51 for their bouncers being there so quickly (which I was semi-okay with because I wanted to kick some ass) and I also wrote a letter to a Representative of Utah that I once worked for to let her know that gay bashing is out there and that her fight for protection for gays is not a worthless fight. I hope it did some good. Other than that, I couldn't care less that I got punched. It's a great story and I feel so manly.

And my favorite, Picture Perfect Pool. Totally did what it was suppose to do, be a bitch. I was guaranteed a job and the manager discussed me working with the board, or certain members of the board, and they said I couldn't work their because I was fired 2 years ago. The funny thing is, I was fired because the current manager at that time, who no longer works there, was looking for a reason to fire me because of the drama surrounding the pool because I was gay. When that happened, the board at the time knew it was ridiculous but I said not to worry. But wait, now the board has a problem with me? Oh no, just one person does. It makes me giggle she is still in Jr. High. I could be wrong that it wasn't her but with what was said on the phone, I'm more than likely sure it was. Boo, you whore.

So, I will keep persisting for a second job.

What a lame post. This is merely for the memories, not any of you. Don't take offense to that, I just laughed out loud, so not serious. But this post is nothing to be interested in. Oh the joy.

I Became Apart of a Statistic

According to the HRC, Human Rights Campaign, "Two years ago, George Bush's veto threat stopped the Mathew Shepard Act. And every six hours of every day since then, someone has been violently attacked for being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender"

Last night I was attacked, surrounded and punched in the face, at 80's night for dancing with my boyfriend. Three men said if me and him are going to do that in public then we were going to get fucked up. It took two of my friends and Indie at the same time, literally, to stop me mid lung towards them. The bouncers were there in seconds and nothing could be done about it then.

I'm apart of a statistic and I hate it. It made the world a little bit more tainted and I hate that even more. I couldn't care less that it happened to me and glad it did rather than Indie but I know somewhere else, someone else has had it a lot worse.

It finally clicked that people really do hate people just because they are gay.

Going Back?

I may return. Shit, I really might be going back. Oh the word hypocritical bitch is being screamed in my head as I think about it. Screw it, I need the money. So what if I am going back to selling drugs and on the off hand chance, my body? I know that I have said things that make this completely hypocritcal, but who isn't a hypocrit nowadays? Ba, I wish. It's hell itself that I am going back to. Or at least at some point in my life it was hell. Not anymore. IT is Picture Perfect Pool. The neighborhood club that I use to work at, two summers ago.

I need a second job and with the economy a shit hole right now, I am taking what I can get. It will only be three hours a day teaching swim lessons, which I love to do. What makes it so fun? My ex will be working there. No biggie, but still. My ex's family lives right across the street and attend the pool regularly. They want me dead, no lies. The person that I once loathed and caused so much misery in my life and my first relationship is a board member and is there all the time. I don't care anymore. I would even say hello to her if I saw her. She was so two years ago. Lastly, the people at this pool are complete fu-tards.

Three hours. I can handle three hours, right? I'll be in the pool, not even talking to the people. Walk in, walk out, get dressed and go to my second job. Perfect.

Oh the stories will be priceless. I can't wait. Let's hope the guys at the pool are Mmm Mmm good!

I Hate Men

I am pretty sure the whole neighborhood heard the fight tonight. I know one family did because they were outside. Do I care? No. Does the fight matter? Not really. Do I care that I got in a fight? Not at all, it was with my step-dad. Is he a complete bastard? Yes, I already knew this.

I can't really say what started the fight. The fingers are all pointed at me but that is always the case.

I ran for two hours after that and even after that long of a run, I wanted to keep running. I'm sick of being let down by men. If Indie breaks my heart, I'm not dating for years and I mean that whole heartedly.

I hate most men.

Love Is What I Aim For

Sitting here with gauze in my mouth, I feel little emotion. Ever since he hit me, things have changed. Wow, I'm so kidding. Today I got my wisdom teeth out and shockingly, I still look fabulous. Bloody gauze, drugged up, and not a bit swollen at all, life couldn't be better. Well, if Indie were here, it would but he did stop over earlier with flowers and ice cream.

I sometimes wonder how I got to be so lucky. Of all people in the world, why do I have such a great life? There are so many things going on out there that are tragic, yet, "part of a plan." Why though was I put in a family and eventually with a boyfriend that is so good to me? Why am I able to be so happy? Why am I able to entertain a party of twenty by just being myself? Why will I be looked at by some as a cocky douche for saying some of the things I just said? Why am I confident, smart, and pretty good looking?

What am I meant to do with my life with the things that I have been given?

I don't at all intend to come off as arrogant and frankly, couldn't care less if I do. If I read this on another person's blog, I would be happy for them. Especially the blogs that I do read that seem to be filled with so much inward hate for themselves. Nonetheless, I am wondering what impact am I suppose to have? Who's life can I change? What love can I offer and to who?

This world is full of people who bitch about tipping their waiter/waitress. Who give dirty looks to those who are more poor. Those who lock the doors to their car when a homeless man is standing at exit of the underground parking lot at the mall. But is this all part of the plan, too? Is it, "the test?" If it is, I feel bad for those who have been fighting certain fights that don't really matter. Even if it isn't, I still pity them. I pity myself sometimes. For most of the time, I have wonderful ideas on how to help those less fortunate, but with my time, I do something for myself or my close loved ones.

One thing I have wanted to do since I was in high school, is take a homeless man who has a sign that he was hungry, and take him to lunch. I told my brother this and he in a way, got mad and told me to never do it. Honestly, so what if he turned out to be a killer and stabbed me? It's all part of the plan, right? Doing good, no matter the outcome on your part, is always good. If you aren't thanked, if you aren't treated well, if you don't get something in return, who cares? Think of what we all could be doing if we looked past, "what would I get out of it" mentality.

So, I'm going to do it. I get my paycheck tomorrow and I should be able to eat by Monday. The next opportunity comes along, I will ask a homeless man/women if he/she would like to join me for lunch.

I just shook my head wondering what the hell I am talking about. I'm sure most are confused or are rolling their eyes. So what? I get that everyday of my life. But this is what I believe. That the challenges I face in my life are so fu*king small compared to those five miles away in Salt Lake City or even to my next door neighbor.

I must embrace life fully. Love everyone. Continue to work on not talking bad about others. Love Indie whole hearted. Support Wookie and love her and Sushi Roll unconditionally. Work on letting my family know I love them, through words and my actions. Pray more. Allow the Spirit to inspire and help with my decisions and goals. To be who I am suppose to be, even if I don't exactly know what that means yet.

I am currently feeling a great amount of gratitude for those who have impacted my life. Those who have worked on being what I wish to be; Indie, Mauve, Taylor, LOVE, Risbon and so many more. I look up to them, wishing I could do a sliver of good of what they do in a week. I know it's possible and I already know I'm a good person but I could be doing more, so much more. They secretly and somewhat unknowingly on both of our parts are the reason for this post. From what I have seen them do, to me wishing I could do something similar, here I am writing.

To those who I spoke about earlier, the ones I see to have a lot of inward hate, I apologize. I don't know what I can do in your life to make things better. I may not be that person who is responsible for changing, but at the same time as I write that, I doubt it. We are mankind, all of us. We should love everyone and no matter what, I should be trying to help you. Secretly, a lot of my posts about how great my life is with my boyfriend are really to try and inspire you to search out other options of what would make you happier. Posts about my mom and mines relationships are to inspire some of you that it is possible to get through the mist of darkness and confusion at the time you come out to eventually have a wonderful relationship with your own mother. To the posts where I ramble about what I want in this world, how much good is there and can be there, I secretly hope to inspire you to look past your own life, to look past your pointless sexuality and how "horrible" it is, and realize how fanfuc*ingtastic your life really is. Love more and I can promise your life will be blessed more than you ever thought it could be. I only say this because I have tried it first hand.

I am clearly drugged up for how much I have rambled. But what I say, I do believe and mean it. What I say however, is a lot of the time contradictory to my actions. I am no where near perfect but I am trying to do good, to love.

Until I reach that point, I hope people will see that I am trying. I hope I will see a difference in my own mental state. I hope the more I love other people, my love for Indie will become more pure. I hope that the life I have, I turn it into something worthwhile and worth remembering.

I now am going to pray. Something I haven't done in a long time and thank Him for all that I have.

What A Life

Easter finally came. It wasn't the fact that it was Easter that was the big deal of last night. Maybe it should have been, but it wasn't. Mine and my brother's lives are so different compared to two, three years ago. Obviously, it's what happens with time. But it is something that I never thought about and if I did, it wasn't going to happen for a very long time. Indie and Merve at dinner with the famdam last night. Merve is my Bro Ho's girlfriend of two or three months and Indie is of course my boy.

Merve totally was in the clear. She had already been over to our house several times, met everyone, and is lucky enough to have me as her boyfriends brother. I am always nice to any of my brother's friends...kind of. Last night, all I did was make fun of Merve. I later texted her and told her I make fun of her because I like her. If she can't handle it, she can't be apart of the fam, clearly. So maybe wedding bells will be ringing in the near future.

What a stressful morning. Cleaning the basement as fast and as well as I could was only the start. I had to finish Indies Easter Basket, which was filled with Bratz lip gloss, a feather pen, candy jewelery, Lizzie McGuire stickers, Kim Possible Stickers, two towels, kitchen hand towels, and Slum Dog Millionaire, which was the first movie we saw together. It was such a kick-ass basket.

After finalizing the house, dessert had to be made and me and Indie were in charge. Ran down to his house to then go to Mexico, a.k.a, the Wal-Mart in Salt Lake, then ran back to his house and started on the food. Well, he did anyways. I was stuck with a weeks worth of dishes that I had to hand wash. Ef. But it's what I do best. Women's work. So, Indie whipped up Pavlova while I cleaned.

After the dessert was semi-finalized it was off to my house. Shit. I was honestly more worried what he was going to think of my family rather than what they would think of him. I asked him to promise me we would still be dating no matter what happens and how weird my family is. Thankfully he promised me. The drive was mostly quite. I could tell he was anxious and scared. I didn't really know what to say, so I just kept quite.

This was the first guy that I really have ever introduced as, "my boyfriend." He is the first boyfriend that I have ever had over for dinner, let alone a holiday dinner. Shit. This better go well.

We pull into the drive way to have my step-father in the garage. They are introduced, no biggie. I don't care what he has to think anyways, so whatevs. We grab the stuff, Indie grabs the flowers for my mom, ten points to Indie and Tyler, Merve and Braden, zero and in the house we go.

Hi Mom. Indie this is Mom, Mom, this is Indie.

M: So good to finally meet you. How are you?

I: Yeah, great to meet you, too. I'm doing great, how are you? You're house looks great.

The conversation flowed naturally. My Mom left the gun in the shed. She actually didn't have the gun with her! Phew. And not only that, she was way happy with him. I even left the room and the conversation proceeded as if they had already met. I couldn't be happier.

Merve and my Bro Ho arrived, with my little brothers as well which only means all hell is going to break lose with them destroying and running around everywhere. Introductions all around and dinner was served.

I can't even describe how well it went. Indie even sat by my Mother and everyone was laughing and having a great time. I know that sounds horribly cheesy, but with me imagining all the possibilities, this one was the best.

After dinner, a game of P-I-G began, with me coming in second place to my 100 year old Mom. Whatever. Then an Easter Egg hunt which equated into me and my brother finding each other's stuff and throwing it around the yard. I'm so glad Indie is still dating me after watching how I act with my family. Goodness.

Bla, bla, bla. So cheesy, I know. Then the games and dessert followed. Me and Indie cheated like no other and walked away with around 8 bucks in cash. Thank you Mom for a date to Wendy's. Dessert was served, pavlova with berries, kiwi, and banana's couldn't have been more orgasmic. Ten points to Indie and Tyler, Merve and Braden, still zero. Then more games which resulted in everyone laughing hysterically, mostly due to my Mom and I.

Goodbyes were said. Kind of awkward, but my Mom had a smile on her face and I knew she liked him, even if she didn't want to.

What a day. We were both exhausted but couldn't be happier. It went well. That's all we were hoping for. A civil dinner and yet, we got so much more. Indie loved my family, thankfully. It definitely was a huge step in our relationship. One much bigger for him then me. This was just another way of him showing how much I really do mean to him.

Like he said this weekend, "This is a relationship that is on it's way to be a life changing one for me. I'm scared shitless." I couldn't help but laugh. It's true though.